One Step Closer To The Edge

Dear American,

Don't ever move to England.

Regards,
Kept Man

P.S. WHY!? WHY!? You ask? I am having a break down today. I was trying to be the pillar of strength between the wife and me and the dog but today I just can't do it.

We have been here almost exactly 4 months now. And this time I just can't be the glowing light of optimism I need to be. I can find good eggs in the US -- I'll pay extra -- and leave the rest behind.

Whilst I was away in Oregon, our washer-dryer, that never worked right to begin with, finally took its last breath. On Monday last week I ordered a new one, to be delivered in about 3 business days. The company confirmed delivery on Thursday and on Thursday morning, I disconnect the old and waited. And waited and waited. And waited some more. It took me until 11AM the next day to finally re-establish contact with the company (their phones went down -- they said) I bought it from. They blamed the manufacturer, said with a "tough shit" tone that I wasn't the only one that didn't get my order, and I could either cancel the order or wait until the following Tuesday. I had little choice but to wait.

So Tuesday comes and the washer-dryer is delivered. Just like our moving crew, the guys dropping this thing off were in a hurry and didn't spend too much time thinking about how to safely and carefully handle the washer. I inspected it (I guess I should have flipped it over?), signed off, and started installing it.

Once installed, I ran a rinse cycle as recommended to make sure all of my fittings were ok. Moments later Noah came by and asked if he should take Boo with him. Our laundry room had quickly flooded. I blamed my installation first but then realized that somehow a large plastic reservoir inside the washer had been smashed in on one side. Possibly by a hand truck?

I call the manufacturer. The gist of what they told me is over a week to get a new one or get it repaired. I was reminded several times that the upcoming weekend was a bank holiday so that would slow it down. They recommended that since I had the washer less than 28 days (how about less than 28 minutes) that I contact my retailer. They also denied the retailer's claims that it was their fault it was a late delivery to begin with.

I am now just shy of 24 hours later and my retailer hasn't responded to phone or email contact. Their phone immediately goes to voicemail and my messages go unanswered. I am wondering how long before I get the message that their phone system is down.

If it was just this one thing, fine, every once and a while you have bad luck. But it's not just bad luck anymore, it's being used to a standard of service so much higher than can be found here. In less developed parts of the world, I get that you can't have the expectations you have in the USA. But in a country where half the people I deal with seem to think they have a well-established superiority to the USA (and they will tell you as much), you'd think they would then try to do better that what we have. Guess what England, you're not even close. It's a sad state of affairs -- and you know it is bad when locals (we had this talk with our neighbors) agree that it's an epidemic problem that nobody here gives a shit.

In four months:

• British Telecom misses four appointments and it takes us six weeks to get a phone.
• Our English move-in crew, who we were told were the best crew, put more dings in our stuff than we got in 3 moves in Chicago. Thank god I was there when they were going to use a hammer (and not the prying end) to open the shipping crate of our widescreen TV.
  
• HSBC Bank wastes our time signing us up for an account we can never get and then never bothers to call us and tell us. We wait for 3 weeks before calling them.
  
• NatWest loses all of our application information, including copies of passports, and advises us just to start all over -- and even though they don't know where our sensitive information is at, they assured us it was safe.
  
• NatWest finally gives us accounts. Even though we have joint savings and checking and even though I got a credit card, we have to submit further information to prove my wife is married to me so she can get a card. That was weeks ago and still no card.
  
• It takes us months to get a car because apparently no one actually understands their own systems and policies and our time is repeatedly wasted filling out forms that will never get us anything.
  
• Our new wine cooler's shelves can't hold the weight of wine bottles (?) and self-destruct. Our retailer won't let us exchange or return it. Our only option is to send it in for repair which can take some undefined amount of time.
  
• American Express UK (a very different animal from AMEX USA) repeatedly denies us credit cards and then weeks later realizes a typo on their side was the problem.
• New lawnmower arrives. One of the handles is missing from the box. Thank god I ordered from Amazon (which is the same as the USA and handled an immediate exchange with Saturday delivery) because the manufacturer's support line said it could take 48 hours to get back to me.
• Oh and look at that. It's raining again.
  

Whew. Weight off my chest. Ok, I'm going to think about how good the eggs are for a while. Hard boiled eggs, poached eggs, scrambled eggs, eggs gumbo, garlic eggs, cajun eggs, eggs benedict, eggs over easy, toad in a hole...I'm gonna go make some eggs.