Canned Hot

Another adventure in canned meat!

This time it's the All-American hot dog UK-style, now with "best ever quality." It's the "UK's favorite hot dog!"

These things were far superior to the meat found in the Fully Monty and Big BBQ disasters-in-a-can that I tried earlier. They were just a tiny bit soggy, but not bad. I tried them under the 'top grill' in the oven and one out of the nuclear oven, too. They were better off the grill.


My biggest complaint is that these things were tiny (see comparison to leftover Halloween candy bar, below.) It would take four to fill a good American hot dog bug -- I'm not even sure what is the point of a hot dog in this form factor -- I didn't see tiny little buns anywhere in the grocery.

Still, it was surely a passable lunch when smothered in quasi-Chicago style with ketchup, American yellow mustard, a bit of mayo, some chopped Dwarf Apache (Seebach!) peppers, and a nice slathering of the now famous Wisconsin's best squirty cheese. Nice.

On deck are a larger version of this same company's dog, a steak and kidney pie-in-a-can, and attempt from Heinz to use sexual imagery to sell baked beans.

Cheers!


“Some people wanted champagne and caviar when they should have had beer and hot dogs.” Dwight David Eisenhower (1890-1969)

My Compliments To The Frozen Chef

The two foods I miss the most here are good pizza and Mexican. I fear Mexican is a lost cause but finally there is some hope for pizza. And it comes from the frozen food section. It might be that my expectations have fallen -- this new pizza I tried is the same brand that I tried when we first got here and that first pizza was horrid. Even worse, the brand dares to call itself "Chicago Town".

By coincidence, when they were here the Spencers bought me a frozen pizza of the same brand. The day they left, I was home alone and hungry so I gave it a try. I'm not going to say it was great but it was really good -- and I ate the whole pizza.

Now I have to take back any ill will I sent to the Chicago Town folks. I've bought a few others of the same type and they are actually decent pizzas. I wouldn't serve them to Mom or any die-hard Chicagoan, but when I need a pizza fix and don't want to bother with yeast and all that, these will work just fine. Even the box confirms it, this pizza is "scrummy!"

Cheers!

The Spoils of Home

Finally getting caught up after our spontaneous trip back to the USA! Last Monday, the wife called and said, "I have a crazy idea." Next thing you knew, we were taking a three day holiday in Chicago. First and foremost, thanks to Mel for letting us crash at his downtown condo. When you only have three days, location is everything!


It was a full weekend, with gatherings of friends every day and every night. For me, I fit in a trip to run into Wisconsin to surprise my 91-year old grandma who thought she was never going to see me again. Friday night, sleep-deprived chatting and a massive chorizo burrito. Saturday, we ate our favorite sushi (Tsuki) and then crashed a Halloween party (I was the guy with the cowbell.) Sunday was American-style grocery shopping and brunch at the Evanoff's followed by visiting all the new homes of our friends. Monday was lunch at the Berghoff (American chili dogs!), then shopping and our first dinner with less than a crowd. Tuesday, the jet lag came in handy for the 5AM wake up to make our return flight. Whoosh... and it then it was over.


There are lots of things we miss in Chicago. Our friends, friend's kids, and friend's dogs aren't open for coming back with us, so we had to settle for a few edible momentos and some expensive consumer goods (everything seemed like it was on-sale for us!) Given more time, we could have easily filled a suitcase (and we bought two of those just to be safe!)


I sooo miss good Mexican food and though you can get some things here, most of it is crap or so tuned to the British palate that it just tastes weird to me. For example, many of the salsas here have a sweet, pickled taste to them. Ewwww. We brought back various Mexican salsas (mostly muled into the country from Mexico by a friend), 6 packs of corn tortillas (the corn tortillas here are nothing like the real thing), a bag of masa flour (for making corn tortillas from scratch once the fresh are gone), and so forth. Next time, I hope to make it to the Maxwell Street Market to get a few kilos of dried peppers to augment everything else. I am down to just an ancho or two.


It was a good trip and hopefully it cures some homesickness instead of just making it worse! We'll be back again for the holidays and next visit, we should have enough time to see just about everybody. Til then.

And for those of you who aren't sure what the deal with cowbell is, you need to watch this clip.

Without friends no one would choose to live, though he had all other goods.
Aristotle (384 BC - 322 BC)

That Explains Why A Long John Is Good For A Week

The first thing I noticed about Bird's Custard was its striking similarity to the "custard" they stuff the donuts with back home. I love that stuff -- or is that I now loved that stuff? Now that I have the real stuff available in copious amounts, this fake custard just didn't seem right. I enjoyed it immensely. I ate lots of it. But it didn't seem right.

So I did some homework. A key difference between this and the wonderfully rich traditional custards is that this stuff is thickened with cornstarch while the real stuff is thickened with eggs. In fact, the reason for its existence is because the inventor's wife was allergic to eggs. I had always wondered why a custard-filled long john back home was still non-toxic after a few days of sitting in a cardboard box on the counter. Does the lack of eggs explain it? Perhaps.

I may keep a shelf-stable box of Bird's powder in the pantry for when I have an insatiable desire for custard. It may be crap, but it's still custard. Oh, a reference that only folks from college will understand -- you could fill a bathtub with this stuff for cheap.

Cheerios.


Donuts. Is there anything they can't do? -- Matt Groening (1954 - )

Hereford Booze Festival

This past weekend in Hereford was the "Flavours of Herefordshire Food Festival", held in Hereford at the Hereford Racecourse. Over 100 vendors were on display showing off their locally produced products.

The big attraction this year was the "Hairy Bikers". I didn't know who they were but I walked close enough to them that I felt their overwhelming charisma wash over me. Not really, but I did walk by them. I haven't seen their show(s) but I will keep an eye out. They are life-long foodies slash bikers.

Overall, the festival was just ok. The main tent was too small for the crowd, so much so that we skipped more than one booth we would have otherwise tried out. The area near the first tent's entrance was a clear example of lack of understanding of people management. It was somewhere in this area a lovely, older lady identified us (must be my American flag jean jacket and constant singing of Bruce Springsteen tunes) as American and made an unsavoury comment to my wife about her "American" conduct "in line". This whole place was such a bloody mess that I heard more than one person say they were giving up and going outside so I'm not sure what was done that was uniquely American. Worse yet, many vendors also sold out of their more popular items before we got to them -- like the new winter flavors ofTyrell's Potato Crisps, including beef and horseradish. Nuts!

There is no question that the laws over here must be more lenient on the small batch production of liquor, beer, wine, and cider. About a fifth of the larger and more popular exhibits were alcohol related, including local whiskey and vodka producers. And they all had samples. Needless to say, by the time my previously-empty stomach made its way to the vendors outside selling sandwiches (we had a delicious roasted lamb baguette) and pizzas, I had a decent little freebie buzz going on. A few tastes of beer, some Celtic hootch, lime Vodka, rosehip wine, some dry cider, some sweet cider, Tyrell's vodka (of potato crisp fame), some bubbly, and so forth. The crowd didn't seem quite so bad by the time I reached the end of the tent.

Two good things came out of the event. First, I bolstered my liquor cabinet with some exciting new additions. Second, I gathered lots of pamphlets for local vendors -- many with websites and free local delivery. I expect I will soon be exploring websites about rare breed meats and getting them delivered straight to my gullet. At the top of my list is Frasers of Turnastone.

About the booze: I mentioned Monkhide in a previous post about our day trip to Ludlow. They were again selling their flavored wines, vodkas, whiskeys, and brandies. I already had a bottle of their vanilla vodka, maple whiskey, and pear brandy. We added a bottle of lime vodka and cherry brandy. The vanilla and lime vodkas are recommended to be frozen -- their alcohol content is such that they won't freeze solid but they turn to thick slush. Monkhide recommends letting them stand for a few minutes and then drinking the still icy result. I've tried it with the vanilla and it really is excellent.

I also sampled some local whiskey from a Welsh distillery, Penderyn. They had four varieties on sale -- including one that was "peated" (I think that means the malt used for the whiskey has been roasted by a source partially fueled by peat to give it an earthy flavour) and that one gentleman explained to me was there just to "appease the Scots." Ok, then. I bought a bottle of their main offering -- it really is fine stuff. Check out their website for awards and reviews, including pictures of the Prince drinking the stuff -- apparently he serves this brand at home. For you Chicago folks, it is also available at Binny's and Sam's.

Not sure if I would go next year, but the list of exhibitors and their websites is a good compilation of local resources that I will look forward to.

Cheers!

Warning: Dangerous Stereotypes Ahead

I'm going to skirt the lines of a touchy subject. If you do a Google search for "English bad teeth" you will discover multiple forums of mostly British folks discussing why other people (Americans) think they have bad teeth. In general, the average person in the forum thinks that Americans have hyper-perfect teeth, to a fault, and that Americans invest too much time making teeth whiter and straighter and that Americans think the English have bad teeth because English teeth aren't as white and aren't as straight. The truth is before Austin Powers, I never even thought about it.

That said, we've lived in England for about six months now. Hardly a lifetime but enough to get an opinion: Does everyone have bad teeth? No, not even close. But I can safely say I have seen more utterly shocking grills here than anywhere else I've been in the world. I completely understand where the Mike Myer's inspiration comes from. The odd teeth I have seen may because we live out in the sticks -- in fact, I'm pretty sure that has a lot to do with it because when travelling into London and such I don't notice the same thing.

If you read some of the more informed comments in the forums and in various other sources, you get the idea that about 50 years ago there was some more serious dental problems that were prominent in the UK. That has almost entirely been rectified by various approaches like putting chemicals in the drinking water, having more and better dentists, etc. This type of thing would be slower to have an effect in rural areas and I think that is the case where we live.

I started wondering about this after reading the back of a tasty bag of pork crackles. Warnings on pork crackles, no matter how tasty they are, really aren't helping the perception. C'mon Mr. Porky, you are part of the problem. Thank god Austin Powers number 4 is in the works now... soon we will have new British stereotypes so we can forget about the teeth.

Cheers!

Bread and Honey

I'm working on getting the gist of Cockney rhyming slang. It explains a few things you have heard around town. For example, "chew the fat" is rhyming slang for "have a chat". Would you "Adam and Eve It?" is slang for "Would you believe it?" One of the traditional reasons for using the slang was so that non-locals or people outside of your social circle wouldn't understand what you were talking about. This might include the police -- rhyming slang may have been the language of tea leaves -- er -- thieves.

I told my dear wife the other night that "Chuckie Cheese" was rhyming slang for "bitch, please", but I digest...

Made some more bread. My blog is so popular that people actually send me recipes now. Well, a person sent me a recipe, but it's a start. In response to previous bread blogs, one of my followers (thanks Belle!) sent me a recipe for "Cuban bread". Nice and easy -- takes about an hour from start to finish. Good for me: the impatient baker. I juiced mine up with some wheat and oat bran but followed the recipe pretty closely beyond that. Good bread -- mine was dense, not sure if that is intended (it only rises for 15 minutes) or because of the extra colon blow I added. The other loaves I made took a bit too long to be practical at any regular interval.

Cheers!

Extra Special Bestest Bitter

Just going to the bar here and ordering a beer can be a challenge. They have lots of terms for things that we just don't use in the USA. It's easy enough to catch on to ordering a pint (even though its not really a pint like we know it -- its 20 imperial ounces or 4 gills or a smidge bigger than a standard American pint!) but you quickly need to figure out why the barman looks at you funny when you order a "beer". Lager or ale or bitter, please!

A brew I've tried at home a couple of times is the "Herefordshire Ale & Pork Co. Hereford Best Bitter". It's actually made by Spinning Dog Brewery right in Hereford. I have tried a few of their offerings and they have all been good. This one was recommended to eat with pork and cracklings, if I recall the back label correctly.

Bitter is a term that has basically replaced 'pale ale' in England. Bitters, or pale ales, are known for their extra hopped flavor which is often described as tasting bitter. Hops, back before refrigeration, were found to have a preserving effect on brew. More hops meant that a brew could make a longer journey on a ship, like to India. In the USA, pale ales are often called out as 'India Pale Ales' or IPA.

I figured "best bitter" meant that this was one of their premium beers -- something they were proud of and that it was bitter. I now know, after a bit of reading, that 'best' in this case indicates that the brew has a bit more alcohol in it -- between 4.2% and 4.7%. The next tier of potency is the 'extra special' bitter, commonly seen in the USA as 'ESB'. You might have noticed that the beer here is typically weaker than what is served in the USA. Pubs often serve weaker variants of the same beers you can get in the grocery.

About the bitter: it was good! Malty, nice amber color. A bit of fruit flavor. Just a small head on it.

Cheers!

What We've Got Here Is... Failure To Communicate

In response to a previous rant, I got some feedback that service wasn't really that bad here. Humph! Pffffftt!

The wife and I were trying to resolve why every month our Sky (satellite) TV bill was getting more expensive. We just noticed this problem since most companies here bill quarterly instead of monthly and even though Sky says they recently sent some bills, I haven't seen them. Oh, silly me -- here's an update: Sky's bills come through your TV... like a poltergeist...except that the phone line the installers put in was crimped too hard at one point and split the wires leading to the box. No phone line, no bill.

Anyhoo, I called Sky to find out we somehow were signed up on their phone service. We had already signed up for BT's service with a slick international plan that we thought we had been using to its fullest. Instead, Sky had somehow intercepted those calls and charged us. Charged us lots. Of quids.

BT is almost the shining star this time around. They have no records of the switch to Sky service and they were aware that we were on their good international plan. But they can't help me with Sky. I now have to send our bills from BT to Sky showing that both companies have been providing phone service to the same phone line -- and both have been charging us. I hope that they will take pity on us, the poor souls who have wandered in to a land that one phone tech claimed was 'technically impossible'.

I now have about four hours invested in phone calls, looking through records, and now putting together a letter and copies of bills to send to Sky for consideration of a refund. I'm convinced it could only happen here or maybe in that country Borat is from.

WARNING! Don't play the following clip with speakers on where any one offended by f-bombs is nearby. It's worse than Gordon Ramsey. You've been warned! DO YOU COMPREHEND???

I Like That Word, "Quid"

Over here, I get to say 'quid' when I'm talking with my mates about how expensive that new pub is over on the high street. A pint of bitter for 5 quid? That's shite, mate. Quid, I like it. It works for me. I also like 'pence'. I like to wriggle my fingers and then say, "ninety-nine pence" in a very, slow and annunciated way -- drag out the ssssss. Try it, you'll like it. Nine-ty-niiiiine penssssse. Makes me tingle.

He Ain't Heavy

More than once, when talking to some random person here about the difference between life in the USA versus life in England, a phrase like 'whatever we have England, you have it bigger in the USA' is almost assuredly going to come up. There is good basis for that argument but this past week, I further explored one area where the English have the Americans beat: cream.

I mentioned the cream section when I was discussing the custard section at the market. This past week, I had the wife pick me up some cream -- I wasn't very specific about what kind but I think I guessed at 'single cream' and even then I wasn't all that sure what single cream was. I needed it to mix with the fresh horseradish root (awesome) we had just pulled out of our quickly rotting garden (too much rain!) to serve with the beef joint that was marinating in the fridge.

The wife returned with double cream. Again, I wasn't really sure what it was. I popped it open and gazed in amazement. This stuff was thick. Thicker than cool whip, thicker than mayo, thicker than sour cream. It was somewhere between mallo-whip and butter. When I drink milk, I drink skim. But I love cream -- I could drink a quart of half and half as easy as the quart of custard. Ever drank a Dutch Whistle? It's no secret its addictive powers are based on fat globules. A spoonful of this double cream was heavenly.

I broke out the bible of food knowledge, On Food And Cooking by Harold McGee, and found a very handy chart for comparing U.S. and Europe terms for cream. The facts made my arteries stiffen momentarily.

• (USA) Half and Half 12% fat
• (Europe) Single Cream 18% fat
• (USA) Whipping Cream 35% fat
• (USA) Heavy Whipping Cream 38% fat
• (Europe) Double Cream 48% fat
• (Europe) Clotted Cream 55% fat
• (Europe) Plastic Cream 65-85% fat

Plastic cream? I tried to find out more about this stuff -- it has the same fat content and consistency as butter but unlike butter which is water suspended in fat, its still fat suspended in water like its cream brethren. I don't know if anyone actually uses this stuff at home; I think it has more uses in large scale manufacturing, such as for making ice cream and car seats.

Cheers!

22,983 Weetabix Were Made While Writing This Blog

I didn't even see it coming. I'm sure the signs were there but somehow I missed them. This is how it happens: bit by bit it gets into your head and next thing you know you are talking like Austin Powers and have bad teeth. Yeah, baby, yeah.

In case you haven't figured it out already, my favorite UK breakfast cereal is no doubt Weetabix. Weetabix is the most popular cereal here. And it's like Marmite. When you first eat it, it is sorta surprising how mushy and bland it is, but then a fortnight later, you are craving it. It comes packaged in large fiber turds, each roughly the size of a McDonald's hash brown (hmm, now that sounds tasty!) Once milk touches said turds, you have approximately 13 seconds to eat the Weetabix before it disintegrates. I've timed this and it's accurate.

You'd think the incredible lack of texture in Weetabix would be a negatory aspect of the food. Not so. Like the food I ate as a baby, once those 13 seconds are up, you can ingest four bricks in mere seconds. It may be the most efficient food in existence. It's not about taste or enjoyment, it's about a good BM achieved with the least effort possible. If a good BM means I'm becoming more British, then bring on the tatties and God Save the Queen!

Ooo, Behave!

PS If you are on the Weetabix legal team, I really do like your cereal though I don't know why. I will feed it to my house guests, too. And I don't really think it will give me bad teeth -- I'm fairly certain that has something to do with brown sauce.

The Sky Is Falling

Knock it off, yankees. The dollar is getting stronger and now that the bread winner of the family is paid in pounds sterling, you are hurting our conversion rates! The nerve.

It took some digging to understand why the dollar is getting healthier -- and I think it has more to do with what didn't happen in Europe as opposed to what did happen in the USA. Decision makers on this side of the pond held base interest rates in place while the USA bumped theirs up. The end result is that the dollar now looks better for investors and is worth more.

The good news is that potential UK visitors will finally get a break and my meager US-based earnings don't go so quickly when I use my US bank card.

Cheers, wankers!

Serving Suggestion

Ever pick up a box of Rice-A-Roni and think that the picture on the front looks really good until you see the little words printed at the bottom: "Serving Suggestion"? That's when you realize that with what you get in that box, you will never match the picture on the front. Wait -- you mean it doesn't come with roast chicken?

Unfortunately, the exact opposite is true with a new product we tried, "Hunger Breaks - The Big BBQ." The front of the can shows what we thought was in the can: simple baked beans with perhaps a BBQ style sauce. The picture also shows a variety of meat served with the beans -- meat we thought was part of a 'serving suggestion'.

Imagine our surprise when dumping out the can resulted in a full-on processed meat BBQ appearing. Hot dogs, formed pig chops, and some other chunks that may have been intended to be burgers or meatballs.

And it was all really, really nasty. I'd hardly be surprised to find out the Big BBQ had no meat in it. I ate half of my hot dog (there were two - about half American official hot dog size) and couldn't finish the rest. I will eat almost anything and it was that nasty - like a sponge packaged in a tough skin that squirted insipid "fake meat" juice onto your unsuspecting taste buds. I commented that the pig chop may have been a McDonald's chicken nugget that fell off the processing conveyor and was later reclaimed by Hunger Breaks for reuse. Ah, recycling.

I was even more surprised to see that this crap is available all over the world via various British food shopping websites. Have some self respect!

Cheers!

Under the English Weather

My wife and I have both been fighting an English cold. She had it first, then one goodnight kiss later, I was right there with her. The typical stuff: cough, aches, sore throat. Not fun. The benefit of the cold is that I am in the proper nasty mood to provide a recap of our progress with life in the UK.

I just realized this past week that over here 'moving home' doesn't mean going back to Chicago. When they say 'moving home' here, they simply mean moving to a new home or change of address. This is a relief since I simply felt the Brits knew too much about me since every website I logged on to asked me if I was moving home.

We still don't have a car. I don't even know why. The car guy claimed the Royal Mail packet of signed documents, credit card authorizations, etc. took 6 days to get to him. Uh huh. Royal Mail, by the way, is a shining star here. Most stuff is one day delivery to almost anywhere in the UK. He then was waiting for us to call and give him credit card details. I asked why he sent us a credit card authorization then. "Oh," he said, "right. There is one of those here, isn't there?" He then mumbled something unintelligble and the conversation soon ended. He was going to call last Friday and give an updated delivery date. But he didn't, which is good, because then I might expect that sort of response in the future and face further disappointment.

Our new bank, NatWest mostly came through. I have UK credit cards and debit cards with microchips in them. The missus, for some reason, only got the debit card and we had to re-convince NatWest she was my wife by filing out some more forms. This weekend we went Saturday afternoon into bustling Hereford to deposit a check in to the NatWest account so we could write checks or use the debit card. Unfortunately, it seems here the bank has to be open and you have to go inside to make a deposit. The ATMs allow cash withdrawel and topping up your pay-as-you-go phone but no deposit. I haven't talked to a bank teller in at least 15 years. I won't even know what to say.

Arizona Is...

McDonald's here has a line of burgers on special that change every week called the 'Great Tastes of America'.

It started with the Miami Melt, defined by an authentic chilli-chive bun (huh?) and extra cheese sauce to go with the 'cheese made from Monterrey Jack.' Next was the New York Supreme with its fancy upscale sesame split bun and no funny business like onions or sauces. The California Classic uses up the leftover New York buns but adds more 'cheese made from Monterrey Jack', onions, and a 'SunBlush' tomato sauce (they better mean ketchup). Finally, the Arizona Grande (available now), trumps them all with that same chilli-chive bun, black pepper mayo, and 'cheese with peppers'. Oh, and every American loves bacon so you know they put it on all of them.

With all these sangwiches (not a typo if you listen to Dane Cook), you can upgrade to a side of classic American tempura-style onion rings with sweet chili sauce (?) and a Toffee Oreo McFlurry.

These sandwiches don't really sound all that bad, but it makes you try to think back to the last time you were some place and they offered something like a European style this or Australian steakhouse that and you thought it was legit. Makes you understand how people can get horrible misconceptions about a place.

Regardless of all that, kudos to McDonalds marketing because after staring at the subliminal messages hidden in the poster I have never wanted a Micky D's Arizona Grande so bad in my life. Maybe my lovely wife will read this post and make a pit stop on the way home.

Oh, and if you can see that price, I am going to break a rule for you. We try not convert pounds to dollars in our head because its painful to comprehend. That Arizona Grande is four pound eighty (4.80) if you get the medium meal. Conversion right now is about 2 to 1. So, in US dollars, that burger 'value' meal would be $9.60. The large meal would be $10.20. Ouch!

Man Toy

When I say Man-Toy, what is the first thing that comes to mind? I have a diverse reader group so that would be a fun list to guess.

In England, there are a lot of lawns to mow. Ours at the Lilacs could easily be mowed twice a week, probably three when it is raining a lot. When we first moved in, we had a lot of upfront expense, so I thought a good way to save a lot of coin would be to get one of those nice little rotary motors (a Qualcast Panther 30) You know, the ones that the blade spins when you make the wheels move; no other source of power besides your left and right leg.

Then we discovered that our lawn grows fast. And thick. And it rains a lot. Mowing the lawn was at least half a day and even then it didn't look all that great. The rotary mower had a habit of knocking over half the grass and cutting what was left standing.

Eventually, our friendly neighbor took sympathy on us and literally gave us a mower. A hover mower, to be precise. What's a hover mower? Imagine your standard gas push mower: You pull the cord, it starts, you push it, it rolls around and cuts the grass. Now imaging that same mower without those handy wheels. That, friends, is a hover mower. The idea is that the same motor that drives the blade can pull in air and pump it out beneath the mower deck, creating a cushion of air that the mower rides on instead of wheels. Like a hover craft. In theory, they are nice because you can push or pull them any direction with little effort -- great for smaller lawns and trimming.

Now, the mower we were given was definitely some of the earlier hover technology. The problem was that if you hit thick grass, the blade slowed down and when the blade slowed down, the 'air pump' slowed down too. And then hovering mower slowly floated back to earth... and shaved bald spots into the lawn. Eventually it would speed up again and float back to its operating height of 2 inches off the ground. It was actually slower to use then the hand mower.

Another big difference here is that at least half of the mower market isn't gas, its electric. Mowing the lawn means getting out a very long extension cord and hoping you don't mow over it. The hover mower was electric.

Eventually, we broke down and decided to get a more substantial mower. Enter the Flymo 360XC. Flymo is a very prominent brand here that we know better in the USA as Husqavarna. After doing some research at Which!, the UK equivalent to Consumer Reports, I picked the 360XC for its nice combination of features at a good price. This one is electric, too. Amazon UK delivered it in a day and away I went (if you overlook the first mower I received that was missing the handle...)

I've mowed the lawn several times with it now and I am not disappointed. Its very easy to use, switches modes (mower, mulcher, bagger) well, and can handle the worst our lawn can throw at. On the downside, if we use the bagger, our mutant lawn can easily fill the catch 30 times on one mow. I now have a 50 meter extension cord that gives me ample opportunity to almost run over my cord.

So here it is, a graphic ode to my Flymo:

Break My Chains

Kept Man needs a car and more reasons to refer to himself in the third person. Right, Bob Dole? Right, Kept Man.

Here are the wants:

1. Bluetooth Communication: Ok, this one is a must! My mobile phone and portable navigation need this so I can use them hands-free in the car. They are stricter on using phones in the car here. When you see the web of roads here, you will understand why navigation is needed. I'd opt for built-in navigation but just like the US, its too expensive here.
   
2. Two Bike Capacity: We have great outdoor space right outside our backdoor and some even better places not far away. I've got the bikes tuned up so the car needs to hold them. Ideally, a roof rack.
3. Kayak-able: I really want to dig in to kayaking. I went a few times around Chicago and on various vacations and want to do more. Some of the nearby coasts are supposed to be great for this; not to mention the River Wye right up the road. The car should be long enough and have a shape conducive to holding a kayak.
   
4. But Not Too Big: Herefordshire has narrow roads and short parking spaces. Too big and the car won't fit. Yes, I know this conflicts with the kayak requirement. It's my blog.
   
5. Ooompf: A very typical engine here would be less than 90 horsepower. This is quite timid by American standards, even for small cars. For comparison, my last car had 280HP. I am shooting for 120HP+. They don't use horsepower as a measurement much here, though. You will see the German unit Pferdestärke abbreviated as PS, and that means horse strength. 1 PS is roughly 0.98 horsepower; for most people we can just say they're equal.
   
6. Price point: Less than 300 pounds per month including VAT. VAT is like sales tax except more painful at 18% on top of everything. I think I get charged VAT for blogging. Please don't convert pounds to dollars... its not worth the pain.
   
7. Odds and Ends: A nice stereo would be a plus. I like tech stuff, so anything like keyless start, rain sensing wipers, reverse sensors, etc. is a nice bonus. Oh, and an automatic transmission would be nice (shift with my left hand???) but these are quite premium here.
   

With these rules in mind, I have some contenders, in current order of preference (and yes, I like wagons; they call them 'estates' here):

1. Ford Focus Estate: Fords here seem to have a great set of features at very good prices. With everything I want above, I think this is one of my best bets. Bluetooth is currently a free option and a 145HP engine is a reasonable upgrade. Roof rack is cheap. You can even get the fancy keyless ignition and voice recognition in these. Not common so leasing might be hard to do. Rachel sometimes thinks its ugly but I like it, just fine.
   
2. Volvo V50: I almost bought this car in the US. Similar to the Ford shape-wise, but with nicer trim and higher price tag. I love the interior on current Volvos; the design around the stereo controls is very cool. Very common lease car here, though, so may be able to get a better deal. This sentence is just filler so the pictures line up better.
3. Audi A3 Sportback 5-Door: I had an Audi A4 in the USA and loved it. Performance-wise, this might be the best on my list but I think its also a bit smaller (both a pro and con.) Options are expensive on these guys so Bluetooth and bike-hauling gear might be an issue. Target engine would be the 1.4 TFSI @ 120PS; next one up is too expensive. Fairly common lease car; getting a deal may be a possibility.
   
4. Nissan Qashqai: A new entry from Nissan that might be called the Rogue in the USA. These seem to have good standard options and a great look. The body style might be a problem for kayaks. Roof rack would need to be aftermarket and options are limited. Rachel likes it.
5. Volvo C30R: The sportiest of the bunch; I like the look. Very hip. If I could get one of the better engines, it would be a great performer, too. Its a two door hatchback, though, so not so convenient for having guests. Kayak may be an issue but its longer than it looks.
6. I added this one last minute as a tribute to the GM heritage of my family. Vauxhall is the GM-brand in the UK. I like many of their cars but there are sooo many options they are a bit hard to sort out. The Astra, for example, has around 15 trim levels and 3 body-styles, ranging from kid-haulers with no oompf at all to the super-sport 240HP Nurburgring Edition. This one, the Astra SXi Sport Hatch, is one of my favorites. It has a sporty look, a 115PS engine option, and a good price point. Minimal options included as standard, so might be hard to get Bluetooth and such.
   

Runners-Up: Ford C-Maxx, Ford Mondeo, Audi A4 Estate ($$$), Peugeot 308 SW(questionable style), Nissan Note (a serious bargain option)

You've seen the contenders, let's put it to a vote! See panel at right.

I'm Banking On It

One of the biggest struggles we've encountered with life in the UK is getting our own car. Rachel has a company car, but when she is off to work or traveling, I am truly a Kept Man.

I've talked to a dozen different companies regarding leasing or buying a car. The trouble is, even though we have good credit in the USA, we have no credit here. So I went to a dealership and asked them what they could do to help us get a car. The salesman I spoke to was Canadian so he had been through some of this, I thought. It was there I learned that your credit history here starts when you register to vote. Soon after I learned, not suprisingly, we can't vote here and therefore can't register to vote. Canadians can vote here, by the way, as they are members of the British Commonwealth. Great - now what?

Apparently we can build up credit via just using a bank account. When we first arrived, Rach was able to open an HSBC (the world's largest bank) Passport account -- this account requires an address in the UK and a passport to open. It has some nice features for someone just arriving in the country, like it comes with a mobile phone SIM card that works well for calling the States (we used it in my mobile.) Its also a good account for transferring foreign currency over here or vice versa. Unfortunately, it builds no credit and is limited as to what you can do with it. After a year, it will convert to a normal, credit-building account (or so we have been told.) We attempted to add me to that same account, just so I could get a bank card with a chip in it, and even though we spent an hour at the HSBC and filled out lots of forms, nothing came in the post. Weeks later we followed up and found that only one person can be on a Passport account so all of our work was a wasted effort (thanks for notta HSBC; how about a phone call???)

Good news, though. Just this past weekend, I think I finally opened us a real bank account. About a month ago, I called NatWest, another bank. I immediately had a REAL person talking to me. They had no issues opening an account for us. I was able to do all the account details over the phone and we qualified for one of their best accounts -- if we want to pay for it; most savings accounts here come with lots of perks you probably won't use and cost a certain amount each month. Passport accounts, for example, are about 7 pounds a month ($14). The account we qualified for includes a Wine Club and travel concierge, among other things. The only issue with NatWest was that I had to confirm my ID and address via post; there were lots of things I could use to do this but nothing a non-resident would have. Eventually, we resolved that I could take in my passport to a branch in town and our account would be good to go. I even got a follow up call yesterday from our account advisor; I think it might actually happen! We will even get the UK equivalent of a Roth IRA, too.

Now that the bank account is in order... time to focus on getting that car.

Vincent Vega On Amsterdam

There is a classic scene in the movie Pulp Fiction where two filthy-mouthed thugs discuss some variations in fast food naming between the USA and Europe. The point of it is that you can see some of the finer differences in society when you go into another country's McDonald's -- a restaurant (as Mr. Rizzo says) that you can depend on to get the exact same cheeseburger no matter where in the world you might be.

A few examples: In Taiwan, I had a typical McDonald's burger but instead of a bread, the bun was a fried cake of savory moist rice. In Japan, instead of Filet O Fish, it was Filet O Shrimp. In England... well, the only difference we have noticed is they don't even bother with trying to toss a salad. It's also the one place we can depend on to get a fountain Coke with lots of ice.

The biggest difference in Amsterdam is the french fries, or the 'frites' as they would say, are offered with mayonnaise in addition to or more likely, instead of , ketchup. There are restaurants that only sell french fries and offer a wide assortment of sauces, including the typical ketchup but also mayo, garlic sauce, green peppercorn sauce, ranch, sambal (spicy chili sauce), curry sauce, tartar sauce, and so on. And a small Amsterdam fry is like a large American fry. They love their taters. I had mine with sambal and also sambal mixed with Rach's mayonnaise. We had these as perfect midnight snacks more than once.

In honor, sort of, of all of that, here are some quick shots of various fast food in Amsterdam. Top right is McDonald's. Standard stuff except in Dutch.

Next is FEBO. This is like a giant vending machine with a Popeye's in the back that only sells chicken and fries. I don't quite get it. You can walk up, put money in a slot, open a door and get a hot cheese croquette. Or you can go to a counter in the back and get take out fried chicken. Maybe its the influence of the Red Light district that the folks in Amsterdam want to see their food in a glass box before they commit.

Next is Maoz (a Spencer favorite, I hear). Falafel is basically a deep-fried ball of ground and spiced chickpeas. At Maoz, the top menu choice is a handful of these crispy, rich balls stuffed into a fluffy pita, then topped with anything you want from the 'salad bar'. The salad bar has pickled beets, hot peppers, lettuces, a tomato-ish relish, cukes, some other salads, and a few sauces. This is some of the best cheap food I saw in Amsterdam -- you can use that salad bar to supersize your meal for notta. Maoz has recently expanded into the USA and has shops in New York and Philadelphia, too.

In a few places, we saw what I guess we would call a herring vendor. Its the Dutch version of sushi, served from street-side booths. Take a herring, clean it, then slide it down your throat. No cooking involved, but maybe you have a pickle with it. I wasn't feeling up to trying this one just yet but the Dutch, I hear, love it.

Lastly, the American hot dog. On lots of street corners, especially in the museum areas, there was no problem at all getting a taste of the USA. This hot dog here was even wearing an American flag and self-applying his own ketchup. You don't see that every day.

For those viewing in a safe environment, here is the real movie clip from Pulp Fiction. For those that can't watch, I offer another safer, friendlier parody of the same clip that has mostly lost its relevance.

Cheers!