And now.... the Breast of the Story

I took some criticism for my overtly mushy posts about sunsets, daisies, and puppy dogs. Point taken. This post is here to set the blog back on the right (or wrong) track. Folks, if you are at work, stop clicking now because you are on your way to an English gutter. Keep an eye out for Hugh Grant.

So the other day I was doing some legitimate non-adult entertainment oriented searches for help on some of our UK issues. For those of you who don't know, when you take a job in another country, you are officially an 'expatriate' or 'expat' for short. This doesn't imply you aren't a patriot (as in ex-patriot), rather it means something like you left your father's land. When looking for help on certain topics, I'll often Google something like 'expat car insurance'.

I'm not quite sure where The Sun, a UK newspaper, stands as far as respectability. It might be the equivalent of Weekly World News or the National Enquirer but I think it holds a much higher place than that (at least the stories aren't just made up.) They have a section of their online edition that is simply called "Expats" with a tagline of "Always Giving You Extra News About Life Overseas". One of my searches led me here, and wow, did I find some interesting stuff. If you go off on your own, watch out for any section labeled "Page 3"...

I'll just share some of my favorite headlines (naked stuff ahead):

• Topless Porn Star Footy Match
• Topless Is Simply the Breast
• Bikini Clad Babes Are Racing
• When Thongs Go Wrong
• School's New Trannie Loo
• Get Her Over Your Shoulder
  

I love that even when they don't have a naw-ty pic to go with the story, they find some nice trampy unrelated eye candy to go with. Classic reporting. I'm not entirely sure how these stories got lumped as stuff British expats would want to read in one place.

That said, the Sun has a ton of legitimate news. As is the style over here, the reporters tend to use more colorful phrasing and a less serious attitude than what I am used to in the US. For example, in Sports, how about this quote: 'RAFA Nadal got bum's rush from fans for scratching his bottom before every point'. Now that's news.

Enjoy.

Sun On Daisies

This past weekend, we had our first social evening with our neighbors -- it started our with just the couple next door (roughly our age) but elevated to include everyone in our little cluster of four homes (where we are all are related by blood or leases.) We had a truly great evening sitting out on their garden with a bottle of wine or seven, some perry (pear cider), a beer or two, and great impromptu BBQ with chicken, burgers, and more. Late in the evening when just the young crowd was still up, we had some homemade "gin" that I need to get the recipe for -- it was made from a small plum that grows around here. It was very sweet and strong.

One of the best things to come out of it was Boo now has her first English friend, Dolly. Dolly is a nine-month-young black lab pup who is intended to be a working dog but the jury is out on that, it sounds. After a couple of scrapes and some "sexy" time from Boo, they seem to have become fast friends. Bruce, the older dog in the group, was a bit cranky and before the night was over, Boo lost it when Bruce growled at her... Boo had to go home not long after that -- she had every intent of 'keeping it real'.

Yet another outcome: we have our "in" for the local events that happen in the Callow. There is a pig roast coming up in August that we hope to attend with the neighbors where we will no doubt meet more of the Callow residents. On queue, a roasting pig went by on a trailer and the smell was heavenly.

At one point in the evening, the conversation was about the sunsets here -- we had noticed them many nights. The colors in the sky are phenomenal and different every night. Lisa told us that there will be nights when the sun is setting and the moon is rising and the sky will be split between orange and red on one side and blue and green on the other. If you walk up one of the high roads (we are down in a small valley), the view is spectacular, she said. I'll leave you with some of the many pictures we'd already taken of the sunset and hopefully one night we'll get a shot of the sun and moon together.

Cheers!

Can't You See This Is The Land of Confusion?

A smattering of updates on life in the UK...

We have officially ordered our Volvo V50. We even were able to pick a color from three choices (grey, gold, funky blue) and we went with the Titanium Grey Pearl. We HOPE to have delivery in about 2 weeks but I will believe it when the car is parked out front. We got a 1-year lease for 20,000 miles. We pay a bit extra for the "non-standard" means through which we were forced to go, but really not a bad deal. Rachel has forced me to take on as captain of the SS Lexus 430 and sail all over Hereford. I have been practicing driving with my right hand (I almost always drive with my left) so that my left hand will be ready for shifting the manual tranny.

In my ignorance, I didn't start thinking about car insurance until the 11th hour. I called the company in town that supplies our renter's insurance and they quoted us about triple what we expected. Long story made slightly shorter: I ended up finding a company that had no problem with our non-UK driver's license and gave us a good deal -- I actually found 3 companies that were OK. They have an interesting insurance service here called CallConnection. You call them and they figure out what companies will actually give you insurance and then they somehow transfer your calls all over the UK to different companies as you get quotes. Nice.

The next big step (once car is in hand) is we have to start working on getting first our UK provisional driver's licenses and then we have to take a couple of tests, including a driving test that lots of people fail multiple times. We have until April 18 next year to complete this. Training and testing are both apparently expensive. Amazon UK carries quite a few 'pass the test' books and software packages to help you pass. Big annoyance: the UK has reciprocal agreements with many countries through which you just trade your home country's license in for a new UK one. They won't do it with the USA, but they will with Canada, Japan, and Zimbabwe (for example). Huh?

Yet another company here floored us with its complete lack of customer service. Again we were told that this 'wasn't represenative' of how the company normally works -- and I am trying to believe them this time. This time it was NatWest, the 2nd bank we tried to get a joint account at. Here is how it went: We completed an app over the phone, received paperwork in mail two days later. We then went to local branch, stood in line, then supplied proof of ID and address to complete application. Couple days later our account advisor called and said all was in order and we should have our cards and such in about 3-4 days. Cool. Then, nothing shows up. I call NatWest and find that our account advisor has had some sort of 'crisis' and is away from work indefinitely. Her voice mail gives a new number to call (which had two digits swapped) for a guy that now works somewhere else. After a week of calling NatWest everyday I FINALLY got a call back from a branch manager. Our paperwork, he thinks, was locked in said missing person's desk and un-obtainable short of "jimmying the desk". This past weekend we were forced to go to the bank in person, again, and start the process over. The only saving grace was when we walked and said we had an appointment, the lady immediately responded, "Mr. Edwards?" Whew -- now we are getting somewhere! We walked out in 30 minutes with our account open and our account numbers in hand.

Rachel and I both have our National Insurance Numbers (NIN), now. I even have a very official looking card. These, by the way, allowed us to open Cash ISA accounts at NatWest -- I think these are basically the UK equivalent of tax-sheltered Roth IRA accounts. Don't tell Uncle Sam but my money will be hiding in there.

There, now you know more than the average customer service agent here.

Callow Lilies

The Lilacs has more surprises. A calla lily popped out of a plain-looking plant. Right behind it, what I thought was just a gnarly tree is apparently a giant rose -- uh -- tree.

Funny Lady

There is a website here that has excellent and realistic prices on lease cars. Unfortunately, they won't lease to us since we don't have UK licenses (and won't have for many months.) I use it as my baseline when the dealers I am forced to work with give me prices that I have no idea about.

Either way, the lots-of-nonsense with no-nonsense prices scheme works for me. Here is a snip from www.lingscars.com!

Bad Motor Scooter

First off, big thanks to the voters out there. The Volvo V50 was a clear and present winner of the 'Pick Kept Man A Car' poll.

You may recall I mentioned that some cars were more available than others for leasing. I spoke to 'my guy with the connections' today -- who just came back to civilization after some deal with BT caused him to lose Internet at his office for almost 2 weeks -- and all of our efforts to achieve some type of normal financing have ultimately failed. This was a surprise and disapointment since the latest attempt included Rachel's company as a co-signor; the underwriters didn't care since we're not citizens. This means forget about the Ford Focus, the Vauxhall Astra, the C30R, and also the Qashqai.

Of the cars that were discussed via the poll, the only two that we have any chance of getting through a very non-standard deal are the Volvo V50 and the Audi A3 SportBack. This deal gives us basically no control over miles per year, color, options, engine, etc. -- it's either take it or leave it. The good news is that the V50 is in high-demand -- but for one of the smaller engines -- which means the leasing company is offering the same price with an upgrade from the 1.6 diesel to the 2.0 diesel. Everyone except Mike Antoine can probably stop reading this paragraph right here: Performance-wise, this is a huge boost from 109 to 136 horsepower and from 240 to 320NM of torque and changes the 0-60MPH time from 11.5 to 9.0 secs. The downside, to reiterate that we get no control over options, is that it is a standard SE (not a bad package though) with no Bluetooth. I think I can add a roof rack, though, aftermarket.

I am working on securing a reasonable quote for insurance before we seal the deal on the Volvo. What I have been told so far is insurance companies in the UK don't like to insure lease cars, non-citizens, people without UK licenses, and people who have been in the UK less than one year. The quotes I've gotten so far were a bit ugly but the agent is going to keep looking... here we go again.

Arizona Is...

McDonald's here has a line of burgers on special that change every week called the 'Great Tastes of America'.

It started with the Miami Melt, defined by an authentic chilli-chive bun (huh?) and extra cheese sauce to go with the 'cheese made from Monterrey Jack.' Next was the New York Supreme with its fancy upscale sesame split bun and no funny business like onions or sauces. The California Classic uses up the leftover New York buns but adds more 'cheese made from Monterrey Jack', onions, and a 'SunBlush' tomato sauce (they better mean ketchup). Finally, the Arizona Grande (available now), trumps them all with that same chilli-chive bun, black pepper mayo, and 'cheese with peppers'. Oh, and every American loves bacon so you know they put it on all of them.

With all these sangwiches (not a typo if you listen to Dane Cook), you can upgrade to a side of classic American tempura-style onion rings with sweet chili sauce (?) and a Toffee Oreo McFlurry.

These sandwiches don't really sound all that bad, but it makes you try to think back to the last time you were some place and they offered something like a European style this or Australian steakhouse that and you thought it was legit. Makes you understand how people can get horrible misconceptions about a place.

Regardless of all that, kudos to McDonalds marketing because after staring at the subliminal messages hidden in the poster I have never wanted a Micky D's Arizona Grande so bad in my life. Maybe my lovely wife will read this post and make a pit stop on the way home.

Oh, and if you can see that price, I am going to break a rule for you. We try not convert pounds to dollars in our head because its painful to comprehend. That Arizona Grande is four pound eighty (4.80) if you get the medium meal. Conversion right now is about 2 to 1. So, in US dollars, that burger 'value' meal would be $9.60. The large meal would be $10.20. Ouch!

Box Without Hinges, Key, Or Lid

At Legges (the butcher we tried over the weekend), they had goose eggs. Rachel asked the guy behind the counter what you do with a goose egg. He had to go ask but the answer was 'anything you do with a chicken egg.' We scrambled 'em with some fresh button mushrooms in the mix.

The picture shows 3 of the 4 eggs we've tried here; I didn't have quail eggs on hand for the photo shoot. Should be obvious, but from left to right its a goose egg, a duck egg, and a chicken egg (organic and free range.)

It seems the bigger you get, the more rubbery the white of the egg becomes with even the slightest over-cooking. Because of this, one recipe recommended cooking scrambled goose eggs over the gentlest heat you can manage, preferably over a double-boiler. After my first attempt, I understand why -- the whites became rubbery as soon as they hit the too-hot pan. The yolks are creamier in the larger eggs, even after cooking. I will say the flavor of the duck eggs -- and even more so in the goose eggs -- is more pronounced.

The bottom picture, which was pushing the limits of the camera phone, is me candling an egg to make sure that there isn't an alien baby in there. This was recommended for goose eggs -- I'm not sure why...

Man Toy

When I say Man-Toy, what is the first thing that comes to mind? I have a diverse reader group so that would be a fun list to guess.

In England, there are a lot of lawns to mow. Ours at the Lilacs could easily be mowed twice a week, probably three when it is raining a lot. When we first moved in, we had a lot of upfront expense, so I thought a good way to save a lot of coin would be to get one of those nice little rotary motors (a Qualcast Panther 30) You know, the ones that the blade spins when you make the wheels move; no other source of power besides your left and right leg.

Then we discovered that our lawn grows fast. And thick. And it rains a lot. Mowing the lawn was at least half a day and even then it didn't look all that great. The rotary mower had a habit of knocking over half the grass and cutting what was left standing.

Eventually, our friendly neighbor took sympathy on us and literally gave us a mower. A hover mower, to be precise. What's a hover mower? Imagine your standard gas push mower: You pull the cord, it starts, you push it, it rolls around and cuts the grass. Now imaging that same mower without those handy wheels. That, friends, is a hover mower. The idea is that the same motor that drives the blade can pull in air and pump it out beneath the mower deck, creating a cushion of air that the mower rides on instead of wheels. Like a hover craft. In theory, they are nice because you can push or pull them any direction with little effort -- great for smaller lawns and trimming.

Now, the mower we were given was definitely some of the earlier hover technology. The problem was that if you hit thick grass, the blade slowed down and when the blade slowed down, the 'air pump' slowed down too. And then hovering mower slowly floated back to earth... and shaved bald spots into the lawn. Eventually it would speed up again and float back to its operating height of 2 inches off the ground. It was actually slower to use then the hand mower.

Another big difference here is that at least half of the mower market isn't gas, its electric. Mowing the lawn means getting out a very long extension cord and hoping you don't mow over it. The hover mower was electric.

Eventually, we broke down and decided to get a more substantial mower. Enter the Flymo 360XC. Flymo is a very prominent brand here that we know better in the USA as Husqavarna. After doing some research at Which!, the UK equivalent to Consumer Reports, I picked the 360XC for its nice combination of features at a good price. This one is electric, too. Amazon UK delivered it in a day and away I went (if you overlook the first mower I received that was missing the handle...)

I've mowed the lawn several times with it now and I am not disappointed. Its very easy to use, switches modes (mower, mulcher, bagger) well, and can handle the worst our lawn can throw at. On the downside, if we use the bagger, our mutant lawn can easily fill the catch 30 times on one mow. I now have a 50 meter extension cord that gives me ample opportunity to almost run over my cord.

So here it is, a graphic ode to my Flymo:

Dig Deep

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